We Could Be Better But I Know What's Better For Me
by Jubilation Bells
Summary: An extension of the Spoby flashback in 6x18 including the details leading up to it and the aftermath of the conversation that we saw. How Spencer and Toby ultimately broke up. Oneshot


AN: Not a happy fic, but one that I have been wanting to write ever since the episode aired almost a year ago. An extension of the 6x18 flashback including the details leading up to it and the aftermath of the conversation that we saw. How Spencer and Toby ultimately broke up. Inspired by the song "Reckless" by Gareth Emery. I own nothing.

* * *

 _Why did you trust me with something so precious?_

* * *

Stress. They say everyone experiences it. Although Spencer Hastings always believed that no one experienced stress quite like she did. She was a walking ball of stress most of the time. A lot of it had to do with her upbringing. She was raised to believe that failure was simply not an option and anything less than perfect _was_ failure.

But the stress she experienced in college was very different than the kind she had in high school. In high school the stakes were so much higher between Alison's disappearance, A, Alison's reappearance, and everything in between, so she didn't always have time to sweat the small stuff like homework. But with everything she went through in high school, the strong support system she had made it all a little bit easier. Her friends and her boyfriend, Toby, helped each other through the hardest of times. The rest just came with the territory.

She never thought she would miss it, until now. Now with A out of the picture, she was back to focusing all of her energy on her schoolwork. It was much less fulfilling than she remembered. But her family certainly let her know how important it was to get the best grades possible in college if she wanted to be successful later. They were already less than thrilled that she did not get accepted to the University of Pennsylvania.

She found that between her double major, honors classes, and involvement in student leadership organizations, she didn't really have time for fun. She wasn't entirely surprised that she didn't warm right up to people at Georgetown right away, either. After having developed such strong bonds with her friends in high school with everything they went through together, she knew she would never be able to open up to new people the same way. It's not like she could tell new people about her past. They would never understand, or even believe her.

The adjustment between high school and college was not as easy as she thought it would be. By her second year of college everything got even harder. Her classes were more difficult, her extracurriculars were more demanding, her advisor had suggested getting an advanced degree after graduation; she barely had time to talk to her friends or boyfriend. But it was still worth it as she thought about her future.

The deeper into her studies she got, the more she realized that it had a strain on her relationships, particularly her relationship with Toby. He was always supportive of her in whatever she chose to do. He never wanted to hold her back from her goals, so encouraged her to apply to whatever schools she wanted to go. In their minds there was never a question about whether or not they would stay together. At the same time, however, her family made their opinions on the matter very clear in telling her that going to college with her high school boyfriend at home was never a good idea. Nevertheless, their opinions did not have any impact on her decision.

While she hated to admit it, she was beginning to see what her family meant when they gave her said advice. Of course she and Toby still loved each other, but she found that the busier and more stressed out she got with her schoolwork, the harder it was for her to find time to call him. He tried to be understanding, but the more it occurred he became irritated. When they did talk, they found themselves arguing more than they used to about things much more petty.

To make matters worse, with his job as a police officer, it was not always easy for him to take weekends off work to come visit her; although he did as often as he could. They didn't usually argue when they were together, they made a point not to, but sometimes there was an undeniable tension between them that neither of them ever wanted to acknowledge. As much as they did not want to admit it, deep down, they knew their relationship was not what it used to be.

* * *

Neither of them were exactly ready for it when everything came to the surface. It was one of those rare occurrences when Toby had a whole weekend off work, so he decided to drive to Georgetown and surprise Spencer. The weekend was perfect. They didn't talk about the issues they had been having lately, but instead just enjoyed each other's company. It was as wonderful as it had been at the beginning of their relationship.

It didn't take long at all for that bliss to wear off. Shortly after Toby left on Sunday, Spencer was immediately reminded of all of the homework and studying she still had to do. She was already behind on some of her work and with midterms fast approaching, she felt like she wasn't prepared for anything. While she was certainly not mad at Toby for visiting, she couldn't help but think that had he not been there that weekend, she would feel more ready for the upcoming weeks.

Toby, on the other hand, left feeling better about their relationship. He felt that having that special and intimate time together was just what they needed to get back on track. He was content with the way they left things and was hopeful for their future. That is, until things soon started going back to exactly how they were, where she didn't have time to talk when he called, or have very much to say when she found the time to call him. Now he wasn't sure what to think.

The next few weeks for Spencer were some of the worst in a while. She was so stressed out that she could hardly remember what it felt like not to be. She felt bad that she was ignoring Toby's calls, but there were simply not enough hours in the day to get everything she needed to done as is. On top of that, she was exhausted all the time and the excess caffeine was barely even helping.

The stress was starting to affect her physically. She found herself waking up sick to her stomach. After the third morning in a week where the first thing she did was run to the bathroom and vomit, her roommate planted that unthinkable seed in her head saying, "I hope you're not pregnant."

"That's impossible," Spencer thought to herself, but that comment stuck with her. When she woke up sick once again, she started seriously considering the possibility. She and Toby were always careful, of course, but stranger things have happened. She knew the statistics. She didn't want to worry about this too much, she couldn't with everything else she had to worry about, but she was getting a little scared. Maybe it was all in her head, but she could have sworn the scent of the dining hall on the first floor was stronger than usual. Nauseating almost.

Toby kept calling, but she felt like she couldn't talk to him. What would she even say? There was no reason get him all worked up about this too. But after a few more weeks when nature failed to take its course, she felt like she had no choice but to let him know. If this was the possibility she was really and truly facing, she couldn't find that out without him.

Toby was surprised when he finally got a call back from her since it had been a while since they talked. But when she was nearly out of breath panicking and crying when she spoke to him, he knew something was really wrong.

"Is there any way you can come out here? As soon as you can," Spencer finally got out, "There is something really important I need to talk to you about."

He didn't hesitate. Even though he was scheduled to work, he found a way to be there that weekend.

He got to Georgetown early on Saturday morning in record time. When he got there, Spencer barely said anything, although he could tell she had been crying. He ran up and hugged her, but she still looked like she had just seen a ghost.

"So what's going on," he finally asked nervously, "what did you need to talk to me about?"

She didn't say anything. Instead, she just sat down on her bed and hugged her knees. He waited for her to finally speak.

"I'm late," she eventually mumbled. She said it very quietly, but he heard her loud and clear. He had no idea how to respond either. The shock had not even fully set in yet.

"Please say something," she whispered.

"But we," he began but felt uncomfortable continuing, "we always use..."

"I know," she interrupted him.

There was a long, uncomfortable silence between them. "So what does this mean?" Toby finally asked.

"I bought a test," Spencer cried unable to look at him, "but I didn't want to take it without you."

"Okay.." he said slowly, still shocked, "when do you want to..."

"Now," she interrupted him again, "I want to do it right now."

Toby nodded. He made himself a cup of coffee as she went into the restroom. There were a million thoughts running through his head that he had no idea how to sort out.

Spencer had tears in her eyes as she went into the bathroom. Even though she had already read the box that contained the test about ten times, she still read it one more time before opening it up. She followed the instructions carefully as she peed on the stick. She sighed heavily as she placed it on the sink, washed her hands, set a timer on her phone, and went back to her dorm room to wait.

Toby was stirring his coffee anxiously as she returned to the room. They made eye contact but neither of them could say anything. Spencer tossed her phone aside and sat down with her heart pounding waiting to see the results. The silence was deafening.

After a few seconds that seemed like hours, Toby was the first to speak. "How long does this take?" he asked.

"Three minutes," she answered quietly, "it said on the package."

He wanted to say more, to figure it out, or at the very least make the time stop standing still, but he had no idea what to say. Spencer on the other hand, only wanted the time to pass. She didn't want to talk, she just wanted it to be over.

Toby went back to stirring his coffee. Truth be told, he didn't even want it, he just couldn't sit still so easily. More time passed, again seeming much longer than it truly was. There was nothing comfortable about this silence. Spencer knew right away this would be the longest three minutes of her life.

When he couldn't take it anymore, Toby took a deep breath and searched for the right words. "Do you want to talk about it?" He asked timidly.

Spencer didn't. "Talk about what?" she asked with slight confusion. In her mind, there was nothing to talk about. Whether she realized it then or not, her mind was already made up.

"What we're going to do if..." he couldn't even bring himself to finish that sentence. But he didn't have to, she quickly interrupted him again.

"Toby," she cut in, "I'm a sophomore, okay, I'm having a hard enough time juggling exams."

"I know," he whispered.

"And you don't even live in this state," she continued.

"I know," he said hesitantly, "but I could apply for a transfer," he suggested.

"And what, you want to move into my dorm room?" Spencer asked sarcastically.

Her words stung a little. "You don't have to say it like that." he said, still trying his best to look on the bright side of things.

"Like what?" she asked.

"Like living together would be such a horrible thing," said trying not to sound as offended as he was.

"In this context it would be," she snapped back, "I'm sorry, but it would."

He didn't even know how to respond to that. "You're talking about this like it would ruin our lives," he answered. While of course he knew a situation like this would be difficult, they could handle it. Or at least he used to think so. "I mean isn't this what we were planning for eventually?" he asked somehow still hopeful about their future.

"I don't know," Spencer stuttered, "You know, I really hadn't thought that far ahead. I haven't even made up my mind yet about grad school." She could barely look ahead to next week. She couldn't believe he was looking years into the future. The present was stressful enough for her.

Next came that inevitable question that was now unavoidable. "Well have you," Toby began not even believing he was about to open this can of worms, "have you made up your mind about me?"

Spencer couldn't believe that he had just asked her that. One thing had nothing to do with the other. "Don't make this about something that it isn't," she said slightly annoyed as she started to cry again. "And what about you, I'm not the only person here who has plans," she said rehashing old conversations from a while back. "You said that you wanted to quit the force and you said that you wanted to go back to school," she said remembering how proud of him she was when he was showing ambition to further himself and his career.

"That was your idea, not mine," he snapped, "and that was only because being with a cop isn't good enough for you." There it was. Toby was very happy with his job as a police officer, but always felt a little self-conscious about it when Spencer would start to talk about her own future career plans. What she thought was encouraging when she discussed these ideas with him always felt unattainable to him. He didn't have the resources nor the drive that she did.

"I have never said that!" she yelled back. "Okay? I just, I don't know I thought that maybe you wanted-"

"More?" he interrupted.

Spencer started to cry harder. She couldn't handle this. "Can we please not do this right now?" she begged. At this point, Toby started crying a little bit too. "It's just really hard," she sobbed.

"I'm sorry, I'm not trying to make it harder," he choked. "It's just I feel like when we're picturing our future together," he hesitated knowing that he could never unsay what he was about to say, "we're not looking at the same picture anymore."

Spencer wanted to say something in return but didn't know what. But she didn't have to. That was the exact moment that the timer on her phone went off letting them know the test results were ready. They both looked at each other, took a deep breath and silently walked to the bathroom sink.

Negative.

They both sighed. Spencer took a big sigh of relief. Maybe this was just a result from all the stress too. At least that was one thing that she didn't have to worry about right now. She could focus on what she needed to and eventually the stress would go away. Toby, on the other hand, wasn't quite sure what he was feeling. While he was relieved that they were not going to be put in a situation they weren't ready for but knew there would be implications.

There was still that same uncomfortable silence between them. Even though they got the results they were hoping for, Pandora's Box had been opened. Once again, Toby was the first to break the silence.

"So now what," he asked hesitantly.

"What do you mean?" Spencer asked slightly less somber than before.

"I meant what I said," he whispered, "Have you made up your mind about me?"

Spencer didn't know how to answer that question. "I haven't really made up my mind about anything," she whispered, "you know that."

"That's not the right answer," Toby told her trying to maintain composure.

"I'm sorry," she cried again, "but I'm just so stressed out right now with school and everything that I don't know what's going to happen next."

"I love you, Spencer," he said also crying again, "but it's getting really hard to have a relationship with your voicemail. And I don't think that's going to change any time soon. Sometimes I wonder if you even want it to."

She didn't have a response to that. As much as she didn't want to admit it, she knew deep down that he was right. Her focus had to be on school for a while and maintaining a long-distance relationship in the process had not been easy. While she would never agree with her parents when they told her that Toby was holding her back, she hated to admit that she could see what they meant when they said it It wasn't fair. Not to her or to him.

"We want different things," he continued, "and this just made that perfectly clear. So.." He couldn't continue.

"You're right," she finally told him through tears. And that was it.

Toby didn't stay the night. He didn't even stay for lunch. He left to go back to Rosewood shortly after that. They knew what this all meant. For some reason, both of them still held out hope that the other would still call, but they never did. Both cried for days, weeks even. But while that was extremely difficult to deal with, they knew they couldn't go on like they were.

Maybe one day their paths would cross again under better circumstances.

* * *

 _Why did you love me? I'm sorry I'm reckless._


End file.
